A huge part of getting in shape and losing weight (OK, sore subject; still hasn’t happened) is eating properly. It’s critical that a true Fitness Diva stay on top of the latest research in nutrition and dieting. I am going to summarize modern thinking on this subject for you. Pay attention! There will be a quiz at the end!
1. Carbs are bad. Don’t eat them. They turn into fat. There are good carbs and bad carbs, but all carbs are bad. Carbs are a source of energy, and it’s hard to do squats until you puke without energy, but carbs are bad. Now, you need whole grains in your daily diet, but don’t get them from bread, because all bread is bad. Well, unless you buy the Ezekiel stuff at $5 a loaf, but if you can afford that, just get plastic surgery and eat whatevertheheckyouwant. If you don’t eat enough carbs, your blood sugar might drop (especially if you’re a hypoglycemic like me), but just suck it up, because carbs are bad.
2. Protein is an essential part of your body, and you need lots of it. Protein stabilizes blood sugar and makes you feel full. However, red meat is bad. All of it. Especially the cuts that taste good and are served on/with bread (see #1). Chicken is OK, but Bo Pilgrim says don’t eat a fat, yellow chicken. So, I guess brown chickens are OK, but only if they’re treated humanely (does that mean like a human, cause I know some humans that don’t get treated too well?). Now, I know that most of us have teeth that were made for cutting and tearing meat, but you’re supposed to disregard that because all red meat is bad. Fish is OK, unless it’s from the ocean, because then it’s full of mercury and BP Oil. Don’t eat that. Maybe stick to the aquarium at your local library. You can get your protein from dairy products, but don’t even get the researchers started on the downside of that. Too much protein is bad for your kidneys. Just ask Dr. Atkins, who died after falling on ice and hitting his head.
3. Eggs will raise your cholesterol. Eggs are a great source of protein. You should only eat the whites, because the fat is found in the yolks. The nutrients are all found in the yolk, so be sure to eat lots of those.
4. Fruit provides fiber, and sometimes small bugs, which is a source of protein. However, fruit is really sugar and water, which makes it a carb. See #1.
5. Sugar is the devil. The only thing worse than sugar is artificial sweetener, which turns into formeldahyde in your body, which is actually a preservative, so why doesn’t that make you live to be 100? Basically, you just need to drink water, unless it comes from the sky, ocean, water fountain, or faucet, because those are all polluted.
6. Fats are bad. Look at your butt. You really need more of that? Fats are essential to healthy cells. There are good fats and bad fats, but all fats are really high in calories, and calories are bad.
7. Eat lots of veggies. Only eat organic, because the others might be covered in pesticides. Organic veggies are fertilized with poop, and they might give you E Coli, so avoid those. Buy organic and you won’t have money for the Ezekiel bread, or therapy, which you’re going to need if you finish this blog.
8. Dark chocolate is full of antioxidants and is good for you, which is why you should only eat the brown M&M’s.
9. You should eat 6 small meals a day instead of 3 big ones. If you really want to lose weight, do intermittent fasting, which is where you eat whatever you want for 6 hours and then starve yourself (or just sleep) for the other 18.
10. McDonalds now posts the calories to everything they serve, WHICH TAKES ALL THE FUN OUT OF EATING THERE!!! Eating is not supposed to be fun. Bite your tongue for thinking otherwise, which you’re probably already doing anyway since everything else is a forbidden food.
Get it? Got it ? Ready for the quiz?
What are you supposed to eat if you want to lose weight?
YOU’RE ASKING ME??? After 5 weeks of diet and exercise, and not losing an ounce, you seriously think I know the answer?
On another note, my black velvet pants fit a whole lot better than the last time I wore them. Go figure.